Talking with Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka


Last week I had the great honor of speaking with author Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. She has written several bestsellers: Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles, Sleepless in America, and Raising Your Spirited Child (A God send to me!). Our talk centered around the latter.

A spirited child is one that is more....more sensitive, more intense, more perceptive, more persistent, more energetic....just plain more! She found, through her own children, infancy and early toddler-hood particularly challenging. Many spirited children's characteristics (and they do not have to all be present) are viewed as negatives in our youngsters–constantly moving, constantly talking and frequent meltdowns. Youngsters more sensitive to every stimuli in their environment and more intuitive to the emotions of those around them often struggles to deal with it all. When the verbal skills are not there to express this, tantrums can easily ensue. But do not fret, in Mary's experience adolescence was less trying.

As Mary explained, it is often a cultural perception that helps us define a spirited child. There have been cross cultural studies looking at cultural social norms and child temperament. For example Japan is, generally speaking, a culture of observation. Quietly looking and evaluating before any action is taken. An introverted child would seem completely socially acceptable in his or her desire to quietly stay by mom and watch a new situation. Take that scenario to Italy, a country generally expecting involvement and outward energy. The introverted child would seem clingy and over cautious.

So what do we do? As a mom watching our youngster literally spin, literally talk non-stop, literally melt down because the toast is cut wrong, what do we do?

We do as Mary did. Educate ourselves how to emotionally coach our children. But we have a huge advantage....Mary has done the research. She asked her husband (another spirited individual) extensively about his childhood experiences. She has talked to hundreds of parents, children and educators. She has looked at scientific data. And she's lived through mothering spirited children!! We just need to reach for her book!

I asked Mary what key things can we do to help our spirited cuties deal with the school year.
*She emphasized sleep; they need a consistent bedtime routine and they need enough sleep. Spirited children are especially sensitive to sleep deprivation.
*Second, ban morning television. Spirited children will wake earlier to get more tv time thus loosing more sleep time. And they soak in the stimulation, not something they need with a school day before them. Instead try to incorporate some morning exercise. It adjusts their body chemistry to being more receptive to managing their day.
*Third, incorporate healthy snacks (breakfast and lunch are assumed). Include protein, healthy carbs and some fruits or veggies. This allows them to maintain an even blood sugar level.
*Fourth, help them create a picture planner. (Love this idea!) Children can draw simple pictures of what to expect and keep it in their pocket. It will be their personal day planner including key activities through the day and key times (like what time the clock will say when mom is coming for pick up, et cetera). She suggested I try a picture planner for running errands with my spirited guy, that way he'll know what to expect!

With the holidays quickly approaching Mary explained ways to help spirited cuties cope with the hustle and bustle.
*Maintain the sleep schedule and routine. Again she emphasized how vulnerable spirited children are to lack of sleep.
*Allow ourselves more morning time with the youngsters for the first few days of a new routine. Spirited persons are more intuitive often realizing someone is frustrated before they themselves realize it. They will "catch our intensity" as Mary put it. If we are rushed, tense, frustrated they will quickly respond with similar feelings. Mammals physiologically go into a state of alert. In a state of alert children are trying to survive the moment on hand, often unable to take our direction, unable to make good decisions, unable to keep themselves focused and moving through necessary tasks.

So you and your spirited child have a good bedtime routine and a smooth morning routine. What about the school day? How do we advocate for our often misunderstood child in a positive way? Mary understands it is not always possible to perfectly match a school style exactly to your spirited child. And she knows most schools will not allow parents to request a specific teacher. She suggests writing the principal during summer break. Ask the principal to consider your child's temperament to the teacher's temperament when placing him/ her. Refer to your child in positive terminology (persistent, full of life, outgoing). Explain that your child does better with a few friends for familiarity. This is particularly important for the introverted child. You can ask that the principal consider placing your child with one of several children you list as friends.

As the school year progresses and you speak with the teacher, Mary reminds us to refer to our child in positive terminology. If the teacher uses stubborn rephrase it using persistent, et cetera. A teacher who is a good emotion coach is golden. This is the teacher who will say "I can see by the look on your face that you are beginning to get frustrated" and then reinforce how to calm him/herself and teach your child appropriate words and actions for that situation. We are the child's emotion coach at home. Their teacher is the emotion coach during the school day. A spirited child who does not feel liked by the teacher will feel as though he/ she is in a constant state of alert. It is nearly impossible to learn in such a state.

Mary is one of those moms you seek for her advice. She embraced her children's differences and truly sought to develop the wonderfulness of their individuality and temperament uniqueness. I could have chatted with her another hour! I was curious what words of wisdom she had for us moms still in the throws of raising our youngsters. It's a crazy world we live in and we can all use guidance. Here is Mary's:
*Make points of connection happen in our families. Gather for dinner as a family. If not dinner then breakfast. If not breakfast then snack. Make sure everyone says good night to each other. Take a glass of water to your teen and say good night face to face. The rituals of connection are powerful. They help keep our kids' emotionally healthly and aid them in making good choices.
*Go with our intuition. Be careful as a mom with all the advice that comes our way. If it seems hurtful or disrespectful to yourself or your family or child filter it. It may not be what is right for your situation.
*Enjoy discovering "who has come to live with you". I love how she put that! Embrace each of your child's temperaments. Appreciate their traits. It may be like reliving your personality as a child. Or it may be a glimpse at watching your husband growing up. And coach them to develop the tools they need to move through their days. One day they will be using those tools to navigate through their lives.


There is so much more you can learn from Raising Your Spirited Child and Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Other key points helpful to me are:
*more tools on getting through the holidays, particularly when dealing with extended family (page 418+)
*encouraging your child verses pushing them (page 250)
*ADHD verses spirited temperament (page 50).

Visit Mary's site ( www.parentchildhelp.com ). It has more about her and her work as well as the books.


Kurcinka, Mary Sheedy. Raising Your Spirited Child: a guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic (Revised Edition). HarperCollins Publishers, New York, New York, 1991.